that human baby by jack allison

That freaking human baby.

They brought him into this house last year like suddenly he owned the place, like I should thank them for bringing him into my life. I hated them. I hated him. I mostly hated her because I have a suspicion that he was what made her look like Carnie Wilson.

It was a rough first six months as he adjusted to my house. I did everything I could to voice my opinion. I peed on her laundry - only her laundry. I would never disrespect my Dad like that. I didn't talk to them. I didn't look at them. I did make a point to talk to everyone who came to visit to let them know the tragedy that was my life and the injustices that I was being faced with. Everyone was sympathetic.

Trust me, I had an army on my side.

Oh I hated that human baby.

He contributed nothing. He never once petted me. Scratched me. Loved on me. Showed me any of the affection that I deserve. I am, after all, the most handsome cat baby in the world. There's even a song about it. My mom sings it all the time.

You know one time, to fain niceness, I brought that human baby my toy for fetch playing and he licked it? I had had that toy for 8 years and had just gotten it smelling right.... RUINED. Ruined.

I just did not understand what all the fuss was about. He did nothing all day. Meanwhile, I'm carrying the brunt of the work load around here patrolling windows, jumping on my parents to survey the room, grooming them, and making sure all pieces of furniture are covered with a thin layer of black fur. I work my butt off each and every day around here.

But then, one day, that human baby smiled at me. And I liked that.
And then he started grabbing for me.
And then he started petting me.

His petting leaves a little to be desired and Mom is always saying "gentle" to him when he does it. I can tell he understands that word about as well as I do.

I had Mom take a few pics of us when human baby started pulling his weight around here. She says he's like six months old in these photos.


I mean, it was bad in the beginning, and then around six months time it wasn't so bad.

And now, well, now I'm kind of used to him. I don't like him, like him; if I was going to move out ever I don't think I'd try to get an apartment with him or anything but I'd see him on weekends and definitely send Christmas cards.

So, yeah, things are going better for us now. Better for me at least. I like to make sure I'm always in the room with Mom and human baby - I just need to keep my eye on them. I play it cool so they don't know. "Oh yeah, no, I wanted to watch the toilet be flushed 7 times in a row. Cool beans."

I can tell sometimes human baby gets tired and I get that so I don't actually mind if he uses me as a pillow. And he has started helping out around here some. He really does a great job of getting me soaking wet with his mouth - it makes bathing easier. Who thought I'd ever compliment him? Plus also it's kind of nice that someone screams and practically wets their pants every time I walk into a room. A guy could get used to this.

I am disappointed that he's trying to share food with me now. I like eating his food - those chicken nuggets were awesome!!! - but I don't appreciate him eating mine. At least Mom gets equal mad at both of us when we share food. Maybe she isn't playing favorites after all?

Anyways, things are going better around here for me, and I guess I wanted to share that. Mom says it's good to talk about feelings but I don't know why - I stopped listening SQUIRREL!!!!!!

Closing thoughts and my take away message: human baby isn't so bad after all.

Sharing toys has been challenging but overall not terrible.

I don't know what he was thinking.

I'm teaching him surveillance skills. He seems interested in learning.

My mom says to tell you, yes, I am a big cat. I'm tall and skinny. It's genetic.

Mom says she put added a video of Sam "petting" me so you could get a better idea of my life and why I am a saint of a cat for loving that human baby.

1 comment:

Tell me about it. Oh and thanks for validating my life.

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