parenting fail: we made christmas cookies.


I don't want to rush anything or toot any horns but let's just say someone is nailing motherhood today.

I would love to be one of those healthy moms. No GMOs. Organic. Vegan. We are at seven months here and I'm pretty sure that ship has already sailed. I'm not condemning those moms or poo pooing them, no no. They are doing a great job. And I'm doing a great job too, just in other areas. Like sprinkles eating.

We made Christmas cookies today and I use the term made, cookies, and even Christmas as loosely as possible. We (oh that's Fe and me with Sam actively hindering) have two burned pans of snicker doodles. Gingerbread trees that aren't trees (we'll get to that). And the chocolate crinkles remain dough in the fridge. I'm still having 'nam like flashbacks to 2 hours ago and can't bring myself to bake them yet. The only win is the chocolate chip cookie bars that aren't even Christmas cookies but Chuck just had to have them.

Some moms are great cookie bakers.
I am not one of those moms. File that with the healthy moms and see above picture of baby with bowl o' sprinkles.

Ps. We call those sprinkles "hundreds and thousands". It's a British thing and Fe and PK used to live in Scotland (how's that for a fun family fact) so they've always been Hundreds and Thousands. Any idea what they are actually called?

Ok. Lets talk about today. And by talk, I mean, I'm just going to list the fails that my Mom and I had today that ended with the kitchen looking like this:

And with the baby in the sink.

1. We tried to make gingerbread Christmas trees like my Grandma Nancy did. It would help if I had realized that a tree cookie cutter was probably something you should own in order to make tree shaped cookies. Or cookie cutters of any shape for that matter. Here's another fun fact (I am in a giving holiday mood apparently) I don't own a single cookie cutter. The cookies are biscuit shaped and horrid looking. They taste 80% like Grandma's.

2. We burned two pans of snicker doodles but that is Sam's fault because the Hundreds and Thousands happened at this time. Sorry Sam, but until you speak up, I paid for the right to blame you.

3. No one was watching Sam (why can he not just handle life without us?) and he dumped an entire cup of cold coffee over himself, the table, and the floor. That's how come he ended up in just a diaper in his walker, which looked SUPER classy. See below picture of classy baby.

4. The spatula that he's chewing on had been in the dishwasher but again, supervision was a bit lacking today and he grabbed it from the silverware holder and was thrilled with his efforts. Thank god it was only covered in molasses and not any number of horrid things that it easily could have been. Ha! A win amongst a myriad of fails (but really, is that a win Susie? That he picked the "right" piece of silverware when you weren't looking?).

5. I don't know who's idea it was to give him the sprinkles but that was a slippery slope. Actually. I know who's idea it was and it rhymes with "Schmee".  Fe. If you didn't get that. It was Fe. Fe did it. I turned around and this was happening:

On the plus side, at least we were watching him, so we should get gold stars for that right? Don't you get rewarded for doing what you should be doing? Well fine but you should.

6. Fe gave him the bowl because this is when the cookies started burning and we were both too focused on picture taking, not peeing our pants, and actually watching Sam to care about what was in the oven. Until you could smell the burning and then Fe dumped the bowl and ran.

So that's when we decided to do a sink bath because, obviously. What else could we do at this point? That's when...

7. He somehow got the nasty sink brush in his mouth.

8. Was caught planking between the two sink sides trying to get at the faucet.

9. Ate an entire gingerbread circle (?).

It is a wonder that Fe and I could manage entire classrooms full of children and well I might add. We have the performance evaluations to prove it. In our joint retirement, we can barely handle one 7 month old, who doesn't move or even sit up on his own yet. I just don't feel like things are heading in the right direction for her and me and Sam's safety.

And that my friends is how making Christmas cookies went today. The "edible" ones look horrendous. Fe is remaking the snicker doodles. Sam is in a sugar coma in his crib and I am covered head to toe in green icing.

I know there's Attachment Parenting and Tiger Moms and all that. Is there Train Wreck Parenting? Because I feel like I am nailing that style.


  1. This is adorable!! I love it and now want to give Ellie a bowl of hundred thousands!!!

  2. Peeing myself a little...trying not to drop Luke as I laugh!!

  3. again.....if I could be anything it would have to be a fly on the wall at your house! Merry Christmas!! Sam is a sweetie!

  4. I really like you as a mom. But that probably is no compliment.
    P.S. Get rid of this Nancy Drew signing in shit...I don't want to prove that I am not a robot anymore.
    P.P.S. I think your kid is ridiculously cute.


Tell me about it. Oh and thanks for validating my life.

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